I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
