and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
