On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
