I faked an abortion last night.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
