i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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