ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
