Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
