my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
