I should be sponsored by Trojan
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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