I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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