Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
