were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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