Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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