i would punch a child for taco bell
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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