I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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