last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
