you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
