I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
