just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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