Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
