i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize