today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
This beer is not sobering me up at all
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize