Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
