The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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