Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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