Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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