But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
