the day after is always just damage control
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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