No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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