I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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