the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
