If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
