My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
