this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
