Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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