Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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