I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Enjoy the penises
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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