i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize