I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
