I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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