you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
