Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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