On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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