i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
