You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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