is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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