It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
