The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
