but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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