Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
