Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
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