Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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