Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
