Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Is it because I queefed?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Randomize
