Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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