I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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