I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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